there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
