dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
