Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
