This is not my ceiling
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
