I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
