Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dear god my vagina.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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