I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I want to fling myself into the sun
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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