i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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