I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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