if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize