Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
