Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
