I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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