Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
