So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
