me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
