We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
