Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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