Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
