Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
