Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
