Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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