Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
