let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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