im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize