Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
