im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize