he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
