Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
