moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
