i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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