My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it was like having sex with a tree stump
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I want is dick and wine.
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