going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
