i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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