Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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