My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
