I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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