When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
