Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
