so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
