I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
