We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
