Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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