Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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