I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
