i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
