I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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