She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize