It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
