genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
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