I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
