lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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