I'd wear matching sweaters with you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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