watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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