I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
there is glitter all over my balls
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
