I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
