I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
