There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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