He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
