Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
